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The Next Hideo Kojima Game Will Be Great, Unless He’s the Poor Bastard Trying to Break Into My House Right Now

June 5, 2016 Written by Heath Hindman

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Folks, I have to say that I’m a huge fan of Kojima Productions and Hideo himself. Every game of his, from the famous Metal Gear Solid series to lesser-celebrated Zone of the Enders, has invoked a wide range of emotions from me. One thing I will not tolerate, however, is someone breaking into my house to steal my things or harm my family. So if this person jiggling my door handle with what sounds like a credit card right now happens to be Hideo Kojima, I’m afraid we won’t be getting any new games from him.

Please hear me out.

I might have been a bandwagon member when I jumped on with the 1998 release of Metal Gear Solid, but I knew right away I was a lifelong fan of whatever genius made this product. You’d be accurate to call me a Hideo Kojima fan ever since. I’ve gone back and made sure to play each and every Kojima joint. I even took public jabs at Konami for removing his name from MGSV boxes. I love this man! But somewhere, you have to draw the line; for me, that’s my property line.

As an American, my second amendment right says– I’m quoting from memory — that:

“We the people reserve the right to keep and bear arms and blow the fucking head off of anyone who rattles the windows trying to steal our cash, even if they are Hideo Kojima and made the greatest games of all time, or other people who made games that were good but not great. Forever in our hearts, here’s to you, amen.”

Never did the founding fathers write more precious, heartfelt words — and ones that speak to my exact situation.

With E3 coming so soon and my door being jimmied in real time, we know that we can expect big Kojima Productions news soon; it’s just a question of whether that will be an exciting new video game or that the body of a game industry legend was found by police on an Ohio man’s doorstep.

Oh great, now it sounds like he’s working with a screwdriver and not just some credit card. He’s really making progress on my door, guys, and I think he’s gonna get in.

The good news is this: it’s statistically very unlikely that Hideo Kojima is trying to break into my house right now. We know he’s big into stealth, so I doubt he’d be so noisy as to wake me up in the dead of night. But then again, people don’t have to be just like the famous fictional characters they create. Just look at Stephen King, he’s a hell of a nice guy in real life, but he’s written some of the scariest stories featuring some of the most terrifying characters in modern literature! Maybe Kojima really is clumsy and loud after all?

But no. It doesn’t even matter. There are 7 billion people in the world, and only one of them is a game maker named Hideo Kojima, so I doubt there’s anything to worry about. I’m definitely going to waste this asshole who has now taken the knob off my front door, and as I do so, I’m 99.99999939% certain that it will not cause any issue with KojiPro’s next game. Any delays or bugs in those games will be due to internal problems, not at all connected to the bullet I’m immediately going to put in some guy’s head.

Can’t wait for E3!

[Note: Satire]