The Game Reviewer’s Manuscript: How to Review a Game for the Masses

As a game reviewer, I’ve been told numerous times that I’ve reviewed games wrong. That I approach certain things from the wrong angles, or that I just didn’t “get” something. I’ve been told that I’ve scored things too low, and I’ve also heard my fair share about a certain 10 out of 10 that was issued not too long ago. All of these criticisms have made me wonder if there is a reviewer’s guide book — some way to standardize the process.

While recently scuba diving off my Ubi-yacht (see disclaimer) in the Florida Keys (or perhaps it was somewhere off of New Zealand?), I came across some partially buried clay pots. After extracting these relics and taking them back to my lab, I discovered that they contained the greatest lost gaming journalism secret of all time. Though badly damaged, and written in a language known to few men, I was able to discern that I held in my hands The Game Reviewer’s Manuscript: How to Review a Game for the Masses. Many pages had been lost, torn, or partially devoured by the deep, but I am here to share with you a few of the key points and laws that our cryptologists, archaeologists, and even marine biologists could translate from the ancient text.

Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. I do not own a Ubi-yacht, I’ve never been to the Florida Keys, and I don’t have a secret lab to analyze ancient texts found in the deep. We review games strictly based on our own experience with them, and while our final result may differ from your opinion, we stand by our own experiences of each game we review.