As a game reviewer, I’ve been told numerous times that I’ve reviewed games wrong. That I approach certain things from the wrong angles, or that I just didn’t “get” something. I’ve been told that I’ve scored things too low, and I’ve also heard my fair share about a certain 10 out of 10 that was issued not too long ago. All of these criticisms have made me wonder if there is a reviewer’s guide book — some way to standardize the process.
While recently scuba diving off my Ubi-yacht (see disclaimer) in the Florida Keys (or perhaps it was somewhere off of New Zealand?), I came across some partially buried clay pots. After extracting these relics and taking them back to my lab, I discovered that they contained the greatest lost gaming journalism secret of all time. Though badly damaged, and written in a language known to few men, I was able to discern that I held in my hands The Game Reviewer’s Manuscript: How to Review a Game for the Masses. Many pages had been lost, torn, or partially devoured by the deep, but I am here to share with you a few of the key points and laws that our cryptologists, archaeologists, and even marine biologists could translate from the ancient text.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece. I do not own a Ubi-yacht, I’ve never been to the Florida Keys, and I don’t have a secret lab to analyze ancient texts found in the deep. We review games strictly based on our own experience with them, and while our final result may differ from your opinion, we stand by our own experiences of each game we review.
Game Reviewer Manuscript
Verily, the open path is a sin, and a narrow path wilt be followed.
And he went into the hallway, for the game was not open, and he wept.
Change is akin to witchcraft, and shall be amerced by the fire of one thousand trolls.
One wilt become more than it once was, lest it be forgotten.
One per three hundred and sixty five doth equate to trash.
Thine experiences are not thine own.
And though a grand tale was presented, the depth doth measure shallow.
Content cut from the final offering is for the sake of profit; and shall be shunned as the leper.
The direction of the many shall be viewed as the sin of the sheep.
And wherefore it came from back alleys, it lacketh perfection, and wilt be purged.
And behold, it was pleasant to look upon, for it hath many hidden flaws.
The bits were numbered sixteen, thirty-two, and sixty-four, and their value was little.
Thou wilt submit to strict definition, based on the expectations of all.
If thou likest, thou wilt not submit thine opinion
For whence the hatred burns, words will not be shared.
The dark arts of the creator doth have divine impact.
Look back on thy works and set forth a comparison.
Let your words flow unadulterated by prior commitments.
Thine review is wrong, and games shall not be fun.
Forget all that thou hast read herein, and review a game from thine heart.