Daily Random: It’s Never Going to Happen

March 6, 2013Written by Sebastian Moss

With Dan at a video game preview event, it’s time for a Daily Random, everyone’s favorite drug-fueled Daily Reaction substitute. Today’s topic? The impossible.

Dan: Sorry. (Click image for larger)


The underling grovelled. “Master, great one, I have news,” he said, staring up at the Emperor.

“Go on.”

“Our scout ships… they’ve picked up signals of another race, right at the fringes of the realm.”

The Emperor glowed purple merrily, gurgling with joy. “Perfect, another species for the taking, another planet to add to our legion, truly we are unmatched in the galaxy.”

“Sir,” interjected the underling nervously, “there’s more. This race, it’s different, dangerous. We’ve intercepted intel being broadcast across their planet, videos of these creatures that they share with each other. Let me show you some of it.”

At first the Emperor chortled at the flat video, which lacked the depth of a holographic display, but the sounds of mirth soon died away as the video played on. “This… this is them in action?”

“Yes, oh fountain of holiness, and this is only from a single one of their days. There are countless hours of similar videos.”

The Emperor licked his eyes anxiously, “so much death, so much destruction… one killing hundreds using simply some sort of wood and string weapon they call a ‘bow’, while another sports an advanced battle suit of unknown power. Clearly, they have great technological abilities, yet are comfortable using basic implements – they are a vicious race, capable of unspeakable violence. If they are perpetually warring like this, we cannot risk making contact with them. We may not be the conquerors.”

He slithered over to the imperial computer, called up the galactic map and input the planet’s co-ordinates, marking it as a no-go area. He filled in the details carefully, pausing at the name: “Tell me, what is this planet called?”

“We’ve studied their videos,” replied the underling,  “and, as far as we can tell, it’s called Ustream.”

As ever, for more randomness follow Seb and Dan on their pointlessly-social social site, email bedtime stories to [email protected] and take part in our crappy game giveaway. Don’t forget to comment below on what else you’d like to see from a Daily Random… as long as it isn’t a Harlem Shake video.