[Dumbsclaimer: This piece of gaming satire does not reflect opinions of any specific individual or this website as a whole.]
Look, guys, this video game blog becoming hyper political is the last thing anyone wants. Anyone, that is, except my editor Big Bob. Big Bob demands news about Donald Trump, but I have no idea what to write. At least I have this going for me: not knowing about the subject has never stopped a top gaming journalist. So what does a Trump presidency mean for video gaming in the USA? I’m not the person you should ask, but I am the person talking, so here we fucking go, I guess.
You probably know me as this site’s Japan Guy. Well, I mean, not the only one who covers Japanese games, but the correspondent who lives in Japan. The fact that my legs haven’t touched America’s allegedly blessed soil in years makes me a weird choice for Big Bob’s Trump articles.
So um, I guess the dollar is doing a little bit better vs. the yen than it was a couple of years ago? Maybe that, uh, means prices for Japanese games might go down a little bit? I haven’t looked up how the rates bounced around in 2016 though — and I’m not going to — so don’t consider that a promise.
“Trump is all up in the zeitgeist,” Big Bob told me. After looking up what the fuck a zeitgeist is, I have no choice but to agree — because if I did disagree, I’d be fired. I can find no direct ties to impact on the games industry, but when you’re told “Write about Trump or your ass is grass,” you do what you have to do.
So…America. Um, as I recall, it started kind of small but is now pretty big. It has spread like an infection or cancer. Wait whoa, did Donald Trump invent infections and also cancer? If that turns out to be true, please remember that you heard it here first. If not, then please instead remember that this shit is supposed to be about video games and I have no idea what I’m doing right now.
Donal Trump’s hands are supposed to be kinda small, I’ve heard. So what, then, would he think about Sony’s chances of bringing a third handheld? Or his opinion of console/portable hybrid Nintendo Switch? This isn’t a quote, but maybe it will be some day:
“I love the Sony game systems. They’re the best. Great, just great systems, really. I know some of the designers and they’re brilliant. Just great minds making the best games money can buy. As president, Sony will keep making PlayStations for a long, long time.”
That quote doesn’t directly address the issue, probably because I just sort of made it up and know nothing about what the real Donald Trump thinks of a PS Vita successor, but if that turns out to really be how he feels, it would be pretty sweet, right?
I just realized that the new prez’s name is Donald J. Trump, which could mean we call him DJ Trump. Does he have secret game music remix channel on YouTube? I can’t be sure, but that might be a good lead if someone else wants to take up this stupid mantle of shoehorning Trump into video game news. I still can’t believe I’m doing this shit!