Holy F***ing S***balls, E3 is Already Bonkers

Edit: And hooooollllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee craaaaaaaaaaap all of these became real. Christmas and my birthday had a kid, and its name is E3 2015. Welp, looks like I owe you a Coke, Siliconera!

Original column:

E3 is a time when rumors fly. Often wishful thinking and misunderstandings lead to megatons that… never drop. Every year, an insider claims to have inside info on some hot game that doesn’t show up. A personal favorite of these types of moments came when one website (now defunct) claimed vehemently that Wild ARMs 6 was shown in a closed theater at the Tokyo Game Show. The dude was downright arrogant, saying that he’d be getting the last laugh when trailers and screens started hitting the internet.

They never did.

But E3 2015 seems a special kind of monster. We’re seeing an all-star lineup of rumored/vaporware/wanted games return for some kind of reunion tour.


They sure will!

If you can’t tell by the two above images, I’m starting with Siliconera’s bold claim that Final Fantasy VII is being remade for PlayStation 4. The wording is that “Siliconera has learnt Square Enix are developing a Final Fantasy VII remake for PlayStation 4.”

Here’s what’s up: that’s some clickbait right there. I want to believe it, but I can’t. It’s too vague, it cites no source, not even “a contact” or anything like that. Siliconera is guessing on this. Notice also that the writer doesn’t mention an E3 appearance. So if E3 comes and goes, he can say, hey man, he never claimed it would be at E3.

In fact, the whole generation could come and go, and six years from now, who on the internet will remember? Meanwhile all those years, the Google clicks come rolling in.

The beauty of it is that Square Enix could eventually release a PS4 remake of Final Fantasy VII. Oh, yeah. They’d be smart to. I once wrote on an RPG forum that the reason such a project would take so long isn’t because of graphics or engines, but because of the translation. And you can bet that’s the biggest thing slowing it down.

The original FFVII has a pretty awkward script. Read it out loud some time.

Cloud: Aeris is here.

…and so is Sephiroth.

Yuffie: No way—! Sephiroth wasn’t invited!

Cloud: …it’s not an excuse. I feel it in my soul.

…Oh, dear.

I do think that eventually we will see Final Fantasy VII remade, because the potential gains are too big to be ignored, but that translation is not going to be done quickly.

I assume it will be on PS4, but hey, for all I know, maybe even PS5. But if I write that in an article, it’ll be listed as my own prediction, not insider info.

If the FFVII PS4 remake gets revealed at E3 2015, or even Gamescom, then I owe Siliconera a Coke — and I’ll absolutely be delighted to be in such a debt, because I’m a big RPG fan. But after that point? No, sorry, I’m not going to high-five a believable-enough guess that was dressed up to look like information.

Shenmue 3

Now this is different. Here, we have the man whose biggest claim to fame is making Shenmue, tweeting a teasing image, which even directly addresses E3.

Yu Suzuki says on Twitter, in Japanese, “(I) found this at E3.”


Mandatory forklift operation is one of the most notorious parts of Shenmue. But is Yu Suzuki actually trying to tease something? I mean, surely the man’s allowed to have a sense of humor about the great accomplishments of his past without every single joke or reference being a tease, right?

And hey, just what is Suzuki up to these days, anyway? Perhaps Shenmue III development is why we haven’t heard anything from him lately? That’s a total guess.

I don’t put much stock in this one. If I had to pick a Shenmue thing to expect at E3 2015, I’d say an HD re-release of one or both previous games seems more likely. Then, Sega would look at the sales data and make an executive decision about the franchise’s future.

That’s if anything happens at all.

The Last Guardian

Because for the past four years, every year has been “the year.” I don’t really think about this one anymore. I know some guys really want the project to come back, and rumors have been flying… but they always fly. The truth is, we haven’t seen anything new years and years. Half a decade? I can’t even remember if anything new happened after the 2009 reveal.


An image I made for one of the 8,000 TLG satirical pieces I’ve written in 2015.

My attitude is this: we don’t know. We don’t know, and we won’t know, until we know. Until someone walks out on a stage and addresses it and shows me something, I don’t believe shit. I don’t care what a dev sort-of said on a podcast, that he later backpedaled on. I don’t care about some developer’s “beloved words.”


As one who loves ICO and Shadow of the Colossus more than should be considered appropriate, I would be thrilled to hear of The Last Guardian making actual development progress. Thrilled. But, like Jackie Chan taught us, “Expect the worst and hope for the best.” Chan has the right of it. If an announcement comes, great, but I’m not going to sit around saving up money for it or acting like it’s going to happen for sure.

Like the other two above, I don’t expect this game to be at E3 2015, but would love to be wrong.

So hey, Square Enix, Sega, and Sony… please prove me wrong!

Meanwhile, I’m gonna grab popcorn, sit back and enjoy the way this E3 plays out, because it’s shaping up to make or break a lot of hopes and dreams.


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